63 RULES & FACTS ABOUT WOMEN FOR MEN WHO INTEND TO LIVE LONG IN THIS WORLD INFLUENCED BY WOMEN.

WARNING!!!

THE POINTS YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ CONTAINS FACTS AND FICTIONS THAT ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOUGHT THROUGH BY THE WRITER.

SOME OF THE POINTS ARE VERY MISLEADING, CHAUVINISTIC, MISOGYNISTIC, UNFAIR, PREJUDICED AND BIASED IN NATURE.

READER’S DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

ADING, CHAUVINISTIC, MISOGYNISTIC, UNFAIR, PREJUDICED AND BIASED IN NATURE.

READER’S DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

1. It’s a man’s world but, women run it.


2. A man is the head of the family and the woman is the neck.


3. Be nice to your woman always.
a. Always open the door for her
b. Tolerate her excesses whenever she is on her period.

c. Make sure you take care of her whenever she is sick or pregnant.
d. Get the dinning seat for her whenever she wants to sit.

4. Study items 1 – 3 but, don’t believe in the crap. Deploy it whenever you are around other gender sensitive women.


5. Love your wife no matter what the situation is.


6. Tell her she is very gorgeous --even if she is obviously ugly.


7. Tell her she has an excellent figure --even if it’s visually reminiscent of a cow or a praying mantis.


8. Encourage her to be religious and spiritual four your family's sake– God almighty seems to be partial towards them.


9. You can never win an argument with a woman — this is because when ever you are about to score a point, she would shift the goal post. And bear in mind that for thousands of years, men before you have unsuccessfully tried.


10. You have the right to remain silent whenever she verbally abuses you because anything you say would be used against you in subsequent altercations and nobody would ever hear the ones she said to you.


11. The fear of a woman is the beginning of a man’s wisdom.


12. Never assume you are smarter than a woman by just appraising her outward demeanor.


13. Just because someone is a woman does not mean you are superior to her…shoe get size – it is like saying that because Marion Jones is a woman, other male sprinters can blaze her on the track – Ato Bolden

Marion Jones

Ato Bolden

should be a perfect match for her. Or that because Cynthia Rothrock is a very sexy looking woman with nice boobs, I (a pot-bellied simpleton) would face her in combat and ignore the fact that she is a 5-time (and undefeated) World Karate Champion in forms and weapons; holds 6 Black belts in various Far Eastern martial disciplines, including Tang Soo Do (also "tangsudo", Korean), Tae Kwon Do (Korean), Eagle Claw (Chinese), Wu Shu (contemporary Chinese), Northern Shaolin (classical Chinese), and Pai Lum Tao Kung Fu (contemporary Chinese) and 6th degree black belt in Tang Soo Do Moo Duk Kwan without sustaining any permanent physical injury; Chuck Norris or Billy Blanks should fit the description of a perfect male match.

Cynthia Rothrock

Chuck Norris

Billy Blanks

14. Never raise your hand against a woman -- for each time you do so, her body mechanism adjusts to the hits you inflict on her and she would subsequently become more daring in the next encounter.


15. There are far more advanced and better ways of dealing with a woman whenever she defaults or crosses your path. E.g.:

a. Pardon the offence at face value and with a great equanimity.

b. Applying a disquieting silence after she commits the offence

c. Do not discuss the offence with her even if she wants to—this is even better when she knows you know what she did

d. Enjoy the sex and revert to punishment mode there after

e. This would bring out the desired effect of emotional torture and psychological terrorism.
The beauty of this type of anti-social behaviour is that it is usually very difficult for any third party elder to arbitrate --sine you (the offended) are ostensibly not begrudging her.


16. Never disclose your total income to her.


17. Joint account actually means “your wife’s account.”


18. Do not ever expect any presidential commendation for buying her gifts – she would always have something to complain about – either you didn’t buy the right colour/ size or maybe be you didn’t purchase it at the right price.


19. Sometimes, half or 70% truth is adequate enough for her consumption.


20. You could admit to murder, theft or even terrorism but, NEVER EVER admit to infidelity.


21. No matter the assurances of amnesty she gives you, NEVER admit to infidelity. Even if your conscience tortures you to death — this is usually because they NEVER keep their promises of forgiveness.


22. Whatever you do (evil or not), NEVER allow yourself to be caught cheating — because she may end up applying item no. 9 on you.


23. If there are no eye-witnesses at the scene of your cheating, perpetually deny it ever happened.


24. Don’t ever return home drunk from an all night outing still wearing a condom and scream in the toilet that your urinal canal is blocked – it’s only God that would deliver you from the hands of your wife.


25. Whenever she is moody or blue, NEVER ask her what the problem is — you may end up coughing out a huge amount of unbudgeted money or you may end up doing a really ridiculous favour.


26. Feign nausea, head ache, stomach ache or even convulsion whenever she sorts your assistance in the kitchen to do the dishes – if you don’t might graduate from doing the laundry to cooking.


27. Never ever follow her shopping—the experience could be psychologically draining.


28. Never pick up any form of interest in female fashion on your wife’s recommendation – it could end up becoming a very expensive hubby for you.


29. Always answer yes to all her requests/ demands – even though you already know you won’t do them and remember to promptly apologize for forgetting to do them and endeavour not to do them eventually.


30. Always discomfort yourself by enduring the grueling experience of pretending to be interested in the boring stories of the rubbish that goes on at her office or work place.


31. Remember to momentarily hug and kiss her after sex—they usually believe you don’t love them anymore if you don’t.


32. Never ever forget her birthday or anniversaries – program the dates into your phones, PDA or facebook account.


33. Always make sure you have at least 2 television sets working in your home. – As a sports fanatic and a Latin American soap-opera addict don’t mix.


34. If she is screaming and yelling at you or if she by chance becomes violent while you are trying to concentrate on the EPL or Champions League; don’t raise your hands against her, just apply 3 drops of chloroform on a piece of cloth and administer it on her – she should be knocked out for at least 3 hours and thereby giving you enough time to watch the game. Remember not to be anywhere near the house when she wakes up.


35. Endeavour to always separate her from her group of unmarried, liberation minded friends but, in a subtle and deceptive way.
36.

Oprah Winfrey

Make conscious efforts to discourage her from watching ‘Oprah’. – Oprah Winfrey is not married and I don’t see any reason why she should be advising married women – ironically, I’m doing the same damn thing.

37. It is high time feminists realized that men are really not the enemies of their movement – women are the enemies of feminism.
38. Always try as much as possible to sound as politically correct as possible (even if you don’t believe in the crap that would come out of your mouth) whenever you are around a group of feminists – you might eventually get laid.


39. In your will, bequeath your entire estate primarily to your children — your wife would still benefit from it since she would be the sole custodian of the children and she could remarry anyone without guilt.


40. Divorce is not acceptable in any of the major religions – so choose wisely.


41. Technically, there is no difference between a ‘runs girl’, ‘ashi’ or prostitute – they all share the same attributes – they sell their bodies and have multiple partners.


42. Not all female bankers, telecoms operatives, musicians, actresses are bad – I know for a fact that at least 25% of them are not.


43. Not all female doctors and nurses are promiscuous.


44. It is not in all cases sugar-daddies buy nice cars for fine babes – some girls are actually very hard working. Prospective mothers & sisters-in-law, take note.


45. Not all women are wife materials; there is a huge difference between a fiancée and a girlfriend/ bed mate-- You can take a fiancée to your home and a bed-mate to the bed.


46. Don’t make your fiancée your bed-mate and your girlfriend/ bed-mate your wife.


47. A virtuous woman should be worshiped and taken to the altar while a flashy and extravagant chick should not make it beyond your bedroom.


48. Never marry a woman who has made it a feminist point of duty never to learn how to cook – one day the superficial love would clear from your eyes and you would be wondering why your dinner is not yet ready.


49. It is okay to marry a woman richer than you – that’s if she is cool headed.


50. Any wife who is in the habit of instructing the house help to cook for her husband, bathe, feed and take care of the children has automatically delegated her matrimonial and maternal functions to her and she might just assume the office of “Acting Wife” by the “Doctrine of Necessity”.


51. If you have to marry and take your wife to the west (UK, USA, Canada etc.), then an air tight pre-nuptial agreement should be in place – even if she was a good girl before leaving Nigeria, the league of divorcees, divorce lawyers and feminists in the west would defiantly change her orientation. You shouldn’t loose your hard earned possession just because she is no longer in love with you.


52. Never foolishly marry a woman who despises your family.


53. Never belittle your family before your wife – because if she see dem finish, she go see you finish too.


54. Never belittle your wife before your children, no matter what.


55. Be very careful the kind of promises you make to her while in bed—they would hold you to it even in the Supreme Court.


56. LOVE: is a strong feeling of affection for somebody or something… [culled from the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary], thus;
a. Love does not necessarily ensure loyalty.
b. Love does not provide security
c. Love does not guarantee respect
d. Love does not always secure faithfulness
e. Love cannot hold on to tolerance for so long
f. Love and trust are two distinct elements
g. There is a fine line between love and mental insanity.
This means that love is not reason for you to marry someone – you would also require the above mentioned elements to pull through.


57. Remember that if you in the habit of falling in love at first sight; you would eventually fall out of love in the first major fight.


58. Blind love’s vision could be restored when there is a major misunderstanding.


59. Don’t say you love a woman when you know you really don’t…
a. I care about you
b. I really respect you
c. You make me feel special
d. You are my sweet heart
e. You make me happy etc.
should be more appropriate.


60. An average woman possesses the capacity to pretend and conceal her true behavioural attributes long enough for you to marry her and then go on to show you her true colours. So it’s very imperative you get acquainted with all her friends, school mates and family members while dating because by the time you add up the pieces of information they give you about her, you would have solved puzzle of her true character.


61. Beware of her platonic male friend – he is usually the contingency plan whenever you break up.


62. Do not ever covet another man’s wife – if you want to live long.


63. If you naturally lack confidence around women, don not panic. I recommend you regularly watch Charley Sheen’s character in ‘Two and A Half Men’; buy the complete EON Bond movies and study how James Bond finesses his way around the ladies or simply watch they guys in ‘About To Wed’ on your local TV station.
Well, having said all these, I shudder to think that any man alive would be able to keep 60% of all I’ve pointed out. GOOD
LUCK GUYS!
© 2010 Ronald Ekene Monye, All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized copying or pasting is serious prohibited!!

http://ronaldmonye.blogspot.com

MY FRIEND JIMOH: THE ENTERTAINER

Just recently (September 2010) I was at my mom’s village, Imé Ogbé in Idumuje Unor, Aniocha-North Local Government Area of Delta state; to bury my very dear aunt. Though we left Lagos deeply pained and conflicted as to how we were going to conduct ourselves around our close, distant relatives and by and large, the villagers; I never expected for us to have a smooth and fun-filled burial ceremony—this was so because, villagers from my geographical region usually avail themselves of the rear opportunity to humiliate and further traumatize the bereaved—it’s just a standard practice which applies to every family. We owe the fun filled part to a new found but, unusual friend of mine called Jimoh. Before I met him, I had heard a lot about him from my relatives in the village and I wondered why they didn’t keep him at arm’s length. Well, I understood later after I decided to assume the role of a quasi-psychologist and study the enigma I now call my friend. Below are my unprofessional findings.

Legend has it that Jimoh was fathered by a Yoruba man in the late 60s but for some reasons, he lived all his formative years in the Anioma region of Delta State. A lot of his former class mates confess that at the time they were in school with Jimoh, they thought he was quite hilarious because he always knew when and how to provoke laughter from his mates and teachers alike but then, he wasn’t that popular. No one really knows how it started but, Jimoh, in his adolescent years had began to slip away from what most of us would consider normalcy or better still, reality. Alas! It happened; Jimoh had become schizophrenic at a very young age. All effort his family made to restore his sanity came to naught—as they had taken him to various psychiatric hospitals and local native doctors. They had lost all hope in Jimoh... But, little did they know that the future had something better in stock for him.

As Jimoh became of age, he strategically positioned himself as the ‘Funeral Chief Entertaining Officer’ of the entire Aniocha- North Local Government Area. A designation he has taken very seriously and a hard worker he is. No traditional funeral takes place within his domain without his knowledge and attendance. Jimoh usually arrives at the venue on time fairly looking nice for a schizophrenic – sometimes with his clothes well ironed for the event—even when there has been no power supply in the whole town for days. He takes up the important role of the guy who intermittently interrupts very serious meetings and often quoting the wisest of native parables and idioms in a not-so-apt fashion; particularly, when village elders, traditional chiefs and sometimes, the King are present in these meetings. His mental state makes it possible for him to do this and get away with it because, it assumed that he can't process the difference in personalities.

Jimoh is also an excellent comedian. His ability to deploy important parables to suit his own selfish needs is legendary. For example, if he gets hungry during a lengthy and boring meeting, he might just exclaim in our Igbo dialect;

“onya norka odu, ogbu'e onor”

[Translation]: if an armed trap (meant for antelopes and other bush-meats) stays longer than necessary, it would end up catching a little mouse.

Whenever he gets an encore to perform again; he'd simply dismiss everybody by saying; “afo lika okpoho mma, wa la’gbue!”

[Translation]: if a woman is too nice, kind and indulgent and solicitous to a fault to men, everyman would sexually take advantage of her.

Soon after such a rude interruption, people immediately start showering Jimoh with money in appreciation for his ‘words of wisdom’ and as he collects the money, he responds by fulsomely praising, praying for his benefactors and sometimes, he goes as far cursing anyone or anything planning evil against them. I remembered so being carried away by his performance that I was just rewarding him with almost all the N100 notes I had secreted about my person when, all of a sudden, he came behind me to inform me that I had exceeded his approved amount per person and that I should keep my money and use it for something else—how considerate of him.

Around the time of the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa, an irritatingly noisy, plastic wind instrument was introduced to fans. That instrument was called the 'vuvuzela' and some mischievous individuals decided to get Jimoh one of them. Little did they know, this simple plastic trumpet-like instrument would revolutionize the way Jimoh entertained people. First Jimoh started making slight modifications on it by fastening thin strips of multi-coloured cloths, to serve as a form of sling then, proceeded to call it a 'cornet' despite the fact that everyone had informed him that is indeed a vuvuzela; and within hours, Jimoh had already started producing tunes similar to the popular ones usually scored by traditional Igbo tusk blowers and flutists. The only difference was Jimoh's version lacked any form of melodic precision and is invariably off key – and that's precisely how he loves his kind of music. Now, whenever any important village meeting is taking place (no matter how highly placed the conveners are), Jimoh would announce his arrival from a hundred meters’ distance by playing his own signature tune before taking his seat—although the King is the only one allowed to announce his arrival in this fashion. Sometimes, for absolutely no reason, he would just stand up and briefly blow his ‘cornet’ and when he is done he would explain that, “if you’re ever in the middle of the highway and you hear something similar to what I’ve just blown, just know that it’s a heavy-duty truck that is about to crush you because a trailer on high speed is a respecter of no human being.”

Though he may be insane, Jimoh ensures that in every of such village meetings, the agenda is strictly adhered to and he’s always on ground to admonish any unnecessary noise maker other than himself. He also offers to serve palm wine and other drinks to everyone present during such meetings thus, validating and establishing his nuisance- value.

Jimoh has dug more graves than any other individual in the entire local government and he always gets paid for it albeit, token fees. Sometimes, apart from digging graves, when the officiating minister is busy reading important bible passages at the grave site, Jimoh would be on the other side of the grave reciting a whole chapter of Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar' (especially the one that has to do with Caesar's burial by Mac Anthony) concurrently and completely by heart.

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest--
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men--
Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man....” – this is despite the fact that we are not Romans; the dead is not Caesar and there is no one called Brutus around the vicinity.

Apart from all his comic theatrics, Jimoh is also an excellent dancer. Not only is he an energetic one but, his talented ability incorporate singing, comedy and drama into his dance routine is a sight to behold. He would dance from one end of the gathering to the other without losing steam and, at the same time, purveying entertainment and laughter to the crowd. With Jimoh around, you'll just forget the reason why everybody is gathered in the first place-- he just has his way of diffusing the sombre atmosphere with his comic relief.

Tragedy also came knocking at Jimoh's family sometime last year: he lost his beloved mother! Jimoh must have cried a 1000 litres of tears but, little did he know that the whole community took notice of it. On the day his mother was to be buried, family, friends, fans, well-wishers, passers-by and even by-standers assembled at his family compound to show solidarity. It was like the whole Aniocha-North Local Government Area had stood still in honour of Jimoh's mother; while he received gifts, cash and condolences from all of them. That was the day everyone realized that Jimoh was indeed a star and a legend in that regard.

Jimoh is also known to have made complacent statements like, “there is no freedom like that of a mad man and if I’m to come back to this world in the next life, I would ensure that I come back mad.” He also stated categorically during one of the ‘New Yam’ festivals that, “any town you visit and notice there are no madmen, investigate and you shall find out that the town has been polluted.” What makes his utterances more confusing to the untrained ear is the fact that you can’t tell when he is under the influence of alcohol and when he is sober – his condition blurs the distinctions. To be his fan, you would have to know how to the difference because, when he becomes sober, he usually denounces whatever he might have said while drunk (paradoxically ironic, isn’t it?).

With all the fame and due recognition and as time went by, he took on a more executive role as the leader of all the mentally challenged (mad) people in the area and he took with all the charisma and conviction of a secondary school debate team captain. One time, Jimoh was returning from a funeral at the neighbouring town when all of a sudden, he noticed another mad man laughing and running round a tree. At first, the people who gathered to relish this unusual sight had hoped that Jimoh would find the one-man activity amusing but instead, Jimoh found it very unprofessional for lunatic to conduct himself in that manner then, he grabbed him by the shirt and slapped him before asking him; “Is it the same madness that we mad men display that you are exhibiting? Look, if you know you are tired of being mad, you better leave this town because you are demeaning our (mad men) reputation, you idiot!”

My new friend also has a romantic side. All it takes for Jimoh to be temporarily normal is for any light skinned beautiful girl to be within his proximity—this usually prompts him to start speaking English in a foreign accent. He is also known to have had numerous affairs with sane, not so sane and mad women too.

Believe it or not, Jimoh runs a very tight schedule, which entails that he must be ubiquitous. That is why any time meetings are too lengthy and boring, Jimoh would cut-off the speaking elder to remind them to hurry up because, other people are awaiting his arrival.

He is highly presumptuous but not pretentious; what he lacks in conventional etiquette, he makes up for with an unbelievable charisma. His lack of perspicacity and concentration is usually overlooked because his retentive memory. He is always punctual, almost diligent, professional, ubiquitous and pertinacious at whatever he thinks he is doing to the point where you begin to question his insanity. I remember him telling me during the ceremony that; “there is no freedom in the world like that of a mad man’s.” – Now I understand exactly what he means. Yes, his critics may argue that his methods are sacrilegious and ultimately disrespectful to the dead but, I always counter by reminding them that he suffers from schizophrenia and as such, he is doing the best he can; considering his mental constraints. If only his critics could see past his gratuitous, unmelodic blowing of his cornet, out-of-sync statements and the inordinate urge for him to be heard at inappropriate moments, they would find in him, a jolly good mad man who readily provides succour to the down trodden. A mad man whom I call MY FRIEND.

P. S.

This write-up was not an attempt in any way to proselytize insanity.

© 2010 Ronald Ekene Monye
RONMONYE STUDIOS.