WARNING!!!
THE POINTS YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ CONTAINS FACTS AND FICTIONS THAT ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOUGHT THROUGH BY THE WRITER.
SOME OF THE POINTS ARE VERY MISLEADING, CHAUVINISTIC, MISOGYNISTIC, UNFAIR, PREJUDICED AND BIASED IN NATURE.
READER’S DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
ADING, CHAUVINISTIC, MISOGYNISTIC, UNFAIR, PREJUDICED AND BIASED IN NATURE.
READER’S DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
1. It’s a man’s world but, women run it.2. A man is the head of the family and the woman is the neck.
3. Be nice to your woman always.
a. Always open the door for her
b. Tolerate her excesses whenever she is on her period.
c. Make sure you take care of her whenever she is sick or pregnant.
d. Get the dinning seat for her whenever she wants to sit.
4. Study items 1 – 3 but, don’t believe in the crap. Deploy it whenever you are around other gender sensitive women.
5. Love your wife no matter what the situation is.
6. Tell her she is very gorgeous --even if she is obviously ugly.
7. Tell her she has an excellent figure --even if it’s visually reminiscent of a cow or a praying mantis.
8. Encourage her to be religious and spiritual four your family's sake– God almighty seems to be partial towards them.
9. You can never win an argument with a woman — this is because when ever you are about to score a point, she would shift the goal post. And bear in mind that for thousands of years, men before you have unsuccessfully tried.
10. You have the right to remain silent whenever she verbally abuses you because anything you say would be used against you in subsequent altercations and nobody would ever hear the ones she said to you.
11. The fear of a woman is the beginning of a man’s wisdom.
12. Never assume you are smarter than a woman by just appraising her outward demeanor.
13. Just because someone is a woman does not mean you are superior to her…shoe get size – it is like saying that because Marion Jones is a woman, other male sprinters can blaze her on the track – Ato Bolden
Marion Jones
Ato Bolden
Cynthia Rothrock
Chuck Norris
Billy Blanks
15. There are far more advanced and better ways of dealing with a woman whenever she defaults or crosses your path. E.g.:
a. Pardon the offence at face value and with a great equanimity.
b. Applying a disquieting silence after she commits the offence
c. Do not discuss the offence with her even if she wants to—this is even better when she knows you know what she did
d. Enjoy the sex and revert to punishment mode there after
e. This would bring out the desired effect of emotional torture and psychological terrorism.
The beauty of this type of anti-social behaviour is that it is usually very difficult for any third party elder to arbitrate --sine you (the offended) are ostensibly not begrudging her.
16. Never disclose your total income to her.
17. Joint account actually means “your wife’s account.”
18. Do not ever expect any presidential commendation for buying her gifts – she would always have something to complain about – either you didn’t buy the right colour/ size or maybe be you didn’t purchase it at the right price.
19. Sometimes, half or 70% truth is adequate enough for her consumption.
20. You could admit to murder, theft or even terrorism but, NEVER EVER admit to infidelity.
21. No matter the assurances of amnesty she gives you, NEVER admit to infidelity. Even if your conscience tortures you to death — this is usually because they NEVER keep their promises of forgiveness.
22. Whatever you do (evil or not), NEVER allow yourself to be caught cheating — because she may end up applying item no. 9 on you.
23. If there are no eye-witnesses at the scene of your cheating, perpetually deny it ever happened.
24. Don’t ever return home drunk from an all night outing still wearing a condom and scream in the toilet that your urinal canal is blocked – it’s only God that would deliver you from the hands of your wife.
25. Whenever she is moody or blue, NEVER ask her what the problem is — you may end up coughing out a huge amount of unbudgeted money or you may end up doing a really ridiculous favour.
26. Feign nausea, head ache, stomach ache or even convulsion whenever she sorts your assistance in the kitchen to do the dishes – if you don’t might graduate from doing the laundry to cooking.
27. Never ever follow her shopping—the experience could be psychologically draining.
28. Never pick up any form of interest in female fashion on your wife’s recommendation – it could end up becoming a very expensive hubby for you.
29. Always answer yes to all her requests/ demands – even though you already know you won’t do them and remember to promptly apologize for forgetting to do them and endeavour not to do them eventually.
30. Always discomfort yourself by enduring the grueling experience of pretending to be interested in the boring stories of the rubbish that goes on at her office or work place.
31. Remember to momentarily hug and kiss her after sex—they usually believe you don’t love them anymore if you don’t.
32. Never ever forget her birthday or anniversaries – program the dates into your phones, PDA or facebook account.
33. Always make sure you have at least 2 television sets working in your home. – As a sports fanatic and a Latin American soap-opera addict don’t mix.
34. If she is screaming and yelling at you or if she by chance becomes violent while you are trying to concentrate on the EPL or Champions League; don’t raise your hands against her, just apply 3 drops of chloroform on a piece of cloth and administer it on her – she should be knocked out for at least 3 hours and thereby giving you enough time to watch the game. Remember not to be anywhere near the house when she wakes up.
35. Endeavour to always separate her from her group of unmarried, liberation minded friends but, in a subtle and deceptive way.
36.
Oprah Winfrey
37. It is high time feminists realized that men are really not the enemies of their movement – women are the enemies of feminism.
38. Always try as much as possible to sound as politically correct as possible (even if you don’t believe in the crap that would come out of your mouth) whenever you are around a group of feminists – you might eventually get laid.
39. In your will, bequeath your entire estate primarily to your children — your wife would still benefit from it since she would be the sole custodian of the children and she could remarry anyone without guilt.
40. Divorce is not acceptable in any of the major religions – so choose wisely.
41. Technically, there is no difference between a ‘runs girl’, ‘ashi’ or prostitute – they all share the same attributes – they sell their bodies and have multiple partners.
42. Not all female bankers, telecoms operatives, musicians, actresses are bad – I know for a fact that at least 25% of them are not.
43. Not all female doctors and nurses are promiscuous.
44. It is not in all cases sugar-daddies buy nice cars for fine babes – some girls are actually very hard working. Prospective mothers & sisters-in-law, take note.
45. Not all women are wife materials; there is a huge difference between a fiancée and a girlfriend/ bed mate-- You can take a fiancée to your home and a bed-mate to the bed.
46. Don’t make your fiancée your bed-mate and your girlfriend/ bed-mate your wife.
47. A virtuous woman should be worshiped and taken to the altar while a flashy and extravagant chick should not make it beyond your bedroom.
48. Never marry a woman who has made it a feminist point of duty never to learn how to cook – one day the superficial love would clear from your eyes and you would be wondering why your dinner is not yet ready.
49. It is okay to marry a woman richer than you – that’s if she is cool headed.
50. Any wife who is in the habit of instructing the house help to cook for her husband, bathe, feed and take care of the children has automatically delegated her matrimonial and maternal functions to her and she might just assume the office of “Acting Wife” by the “Doctrine of Necessity”.
51. If you have to marry and take your wife to the west (UK, USA, Canada etc.), then an air tight pre-nuptial agreement should be in place – even if she was a good girl before leaving Nigeria, the league of divorcees, divorce lawyers and feminists in the west would defiantly change her orientation. You shouldn’t loose your hard earned possession just because she is no longer in love with you.
52. Never foolishly marry a woman who despises your family.
53. Never belittle your family before your wife – because if she see dem finish, she go see you finish too.
54. Never belittle your wife before your children, no matter what.
55. Be very careful the kind of promises you make to her while in bed—they would hold you to it even in the Supreme Court.
56. LOVE: is a strong feeling of affection for somebody or something… [culled from the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary], thus;
a. Love does not necessarily ensure loyalty.
b. Love does not provide security
c. Love does not guarantee respect
d. Love does not always secure faithfulness
e. Love cannot hold on to tolerance for so long
f. Love and trust are two distinct elements
g. There is a fine line between love and mental insanity.
This means that love is not reason for you to marry someone – you would also require the above mentioned elements to pull through.
57. Remember that if you in the habit of falling in love at first sight; you would eventually fall out of love in the first major fight.
58. Blind love’s vision could be restored when there is a major misunderstanding.
59. Don’t say you love a woman when you know you really don’t…
a. I care about you
b. I really respect you
c. You make me feel special
d. You are my sweet heart
e. You make me happy etc.
should be more appropriate.
60. An average woman possesses the capacity to pretend and conceal her true behavioural attributes long enough for you to marry her and then go on to show you her true colours. So it’s very imperative you get acquainted with all her friends, school mates and family members while dating because by the time you add up the pieces of information they give you about her, you would have solved puzzle of her true character.
61. Beware of her platonic male friend – he is usually the contingency plan whenever you break up.
62. Do not ever covet another man’s wife – if you want to live long.
63. If you naturally lack confidence around women, don not panic. I recommend you regularly watch Charley Sheen’s character in ‘Two and A Half Men’; buy the complete EON Bond movies and study how James Bond finesses his way around the ladies or simply watch they guys in ‘About To Wed’ on your local TV station.
Well, having said all these, I shudder to think that any man alive would be able to keep 60% of all I’ve pointed out. GOOD
LUCK GUYS!
© 2010 Ronald Ekene Monye, All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized copying or pasting is serious prohibited!!
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